Tonight was the "Year of Your Birth" theme night which never fails to make me feel ANCIENT, especially as the years march on. Back in 2005 I still had some 70s rock love courtesy of Constantine Maroulis taking on "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. I remember being a bit apprehensive about the song choice because tackling Freddy Mercury when you don't have Freddy Mercury's vocal chops is a risky endeavor at best.
But what Constantine did have was swagger... and he carved out one of the most memorable performances of his tenure on Idol.
It was electrifying. It was sexy. And it was a performance that trumped every single performance that tried to vie for our votes tonight six seasons later.
Now, maybe it's because I've been doing Nyquil shots to combat a lingering flu/fever... maybe I just expected too much... but everyone I normally love disappointed me tonight. Some of it was song choice, some of it was performance... some of it was a bad mix of the two. The flu apparently has run rampant at the Idol mansion affecting Paul and Lauren tonight in ways that were not comfortable to watch or hear.
And the judges, while a bit more "judgy" tonight than they have been in the past - particularly J-Lo - didn't really call them out as much as we were at home. It was the first time this whole season I really missed Simon.
Because I think he would have called the whole thing the hot mess that it was.
And there were two hours of it.
That I'm going to have to watch twice because my husband will want to catch up when he gets home.
Fortunately most of the performances he will zip through. I can't imagine his watching *any* of them all the way through. He has a definite "no ballad" policy, and will only stop and listen if it's really, really good.
I'd be really surprised if he gets through a one.
Naima started us off, and the curse of first will sadly work against her far from pitch-perfect performance of the 1984 Tina Turner hit, "What's Love Got to Do With It." Not a great big fan of the song to begin with, I think I might have liked to see her do something a little edgier - like "When Doves Cry," but at least she didn't sing "I Feel For You" by Chaka Khan, which I will give her a few points for at least. She was missing some notes in a big way, and I think she needs to strip her performances way back to restore the true beauty of her voice and the range of her talent. She wants to get out there and have fun, but she loses her way in her songs and has to find some balance between the two. Naima is my girl, but this was easily one of the bottom performances of the night.
I don't hate Paul but I find it very uncomfortable to watch him sing. I love his voice but I definitely believe that he should get behind an instrument IMMEDIATELY. He sang another tune from 1984, Elton's "I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues" and it was probably the worst performance of the night. Adding all the trappings of his normally manic performances did not help his vocal in the least little bit. Granted he was sick, but his vocal was as painful as his chicken dance. Thinking maybe just having him stand still and sing something simple and straightforward ("Drive" by the Cars maybe) would have been a bit more shrewd.
Thia came next and sang - oh so surprisingly - a ballad. Where's the bubbling personality that gave us "Chasing Pavements" in her audition? All these ballads are becoming quite boring, especially given her young age. She sang the 1995 Vanessa Williams tune "Colors of the Wind," and it was almost one of the best vocals of the night if you overlook some bum note here and there. Performance wise, though, she's just not giving the audience anything to sink their teeth into. Which is a shame. She could have broken out of the mold and had a bit more fun with a more up tempo song ("Fantasy" by Mariah Carey perhaps?) but we were stuck with the same ol, same ol. I think she'll make it another week, hopefully she'll find something more age-appropriate to do next time around.
James, whom I've come to like courtesy of his atypical Judas Priest cover a couple of weeks ago, opted for the 1989 Bon Jovi hit "I'll Be There For You." I like the song, and his performance was aiight... but it wasn't as tough or as edgy as I would have liked, or who I've come to expect this guy to be. I would have loved to see him dig out some Guns n Roses ("Paradise City" or "Patience") or even Aerosmith ("Janie's Got a Gun")... which we know he would have gotten clearance for. Alas it was one of the many many instances of the night I had to go hear the song of my choice rather than the song they chose because that was how lacking I found the performance. Easily in the top 5 performances of the night and a clear fan favorite but next time you go to pick a song I have two words for you... heavy+metal. And if you can pick an older song - Iron+Maiden.
Haley took on Whitney Houston. Do I really need to go on? I have to tell you that if someone chooses to sing a Whitney song they're already fighting an uphill battle with me because I am just NOT a fan of the music (and we got two, count em, TWO Whitney songs tonight.) And in this case I'm not really a fan of Haley's style. It's a little too sex kittenish for my taste, and I agree with Steven she needs to go find that bluesy rock vibe to really sell it to me. All this other stuff is just fluff.
Stefano was another 1989 baby, which incidentally was the year I was pregnant with my 21-year-old. So maybe my disillusionment with the entire show was just how OLD it made me feel... but again with Stefano I fell so short on song selection. It's really hard to beat Melvin and the Blue Notes "If You Don't Know Me by Now," and even Simply Red fell short with me in 1989 when they came out with their cover. As cougar-y as this makes me sound I want to see Stefano go *sexier.* As much as I am not a boy band fan even NKOTB's "I'll Be Loving You Forever" might have been preferable... though having said this I think Stefano had the best - or at least for me, the most palatable - performance of the night.
Pia took on Whitney, but not just any Whitney another freaking BALLAD. Pia runs the risk of boring me with this schtick as well, no matter how much she tried to pep it up with some strange arrangement that didn't endear this song to me in the least little bit. I give her the same advice I give Thia.... show me some range beyond the ballad quick or you will lose me. An Idol is not a one-trick pony, or a one-note wonder... no matter how great the note.
Speaking of a one-trick pony.... Scotty did - surprise surprise - a country song in the same twangy, over-accented country schtick he's become famous for. I found his backstory about his Idol worship with Elvis a lot more eye-opening and entertaining. He needs to bring *that* to his performance and have more fun with it. Likewise he needs to ditch the ballads and slow songs and actually give us a hoe-down. If the boy plays an instrument, for God's sake let him play.
Karen came out looking like she might sing David Bowie's Space Odyssey, though I wasn't sure if it was re-released in 1989. Despite the space go-go dancer look she opted for yet ANOTHER ballad, Taylor Dane's "Love Will Lead You Back." I don't know why J-Lo feels she's the strongest female voice, I think people like Pia have her well beat. How she fell short with this tune is just proof positive of that. Since her voice isn't comparable she'd be better served doing something more fun and dynamic than just a ballad. Madonna released "Like a Prayer" and "Express Yourself" that year... she could have taken a cue from Madge herself and amped up the performance to take the emphasis away from rather mediocre vocals.
These are the tricks of true Idols.
The performance we'll all be talking about for probably weeks to come was the unpredictable Casey pulling "Smells Like Teen Spirit" out of the bottom of the songbook. There's a reason that Nirvana has never been done on Idol before... and Casey proved it by screaming and growling his way through a performance that was painful for even his staunchest fans. He did prove some fearlessness, but like my dear friend Paula so aptly put it... it's fearless to tie yourself to the bumper of a truck but that doesn't mean it will end well.
Casey, I love you and I have no doubt you'll be around for a while yet so please...
Don't do that again.
A flu-ridden Lauren decided to forsake a typical country tune for Melissa Ethridge's "I'm the Only One." Had she been well, she would have really done the song justice. As it was, her vocal was painful in quite a few spots. But she has what Thia has thus far failed to prove she can match... star quality. She knows who she is as a singer, as evidenced by she could sing a rock song and still be true to her country core, and she knows how to sell a performance. She's also quickly becoming one I look forward to seeing each week. She's just fun. And way more talented than her performance tonight... but that's just the nature of the flu.
(I feel your pain, girl.)
Jacob closed the night with the 1987 Heart classic "Alone." Here's my problem with this... It was the 1987 Heart classic "Alone." Like any Whitney song, he lost about 25 points just by singing this song I've hated ever since it was in heavy rotation. So his vocal acrobatics, therefore, became that much more aggravating to me thanks to the overplayed, over-hyped tune they were jumping all over. I'd rather he had sung "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," and since that's Whitney I think you can appreciate the depths of my hatred for this song. I'm kinda done with Jacob's ballads too. Let him diva out on a dance tune and really let his freak flag fly. He could have gone full Aretha and sang "I Knew You Were Waiting" ... anything, ANYTHING other than this stupid, stupid, STUPID song.
So as you can see...
It was not my favorite night of the season. When the judges popped off how great it was I immediately wanted to know what they were sipping out of their little red Coke cups. Whatever it was, I figured a few sips of that and I could not only hear a much different show BUT get over my own stupid, stupid, STUPID flu.
I think Naima, Paul and Karen are in the bottom three, but at this point - they all kinda deserve to be there... except maybe for Stefano and James. (But barely.)
Deep cleansing breath... next week.... next week....
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